Today makes 4 years since our miscarriage, losing our second little baby at 9 weeks.
We tried for around 14 months after our first miscarriage then found out we were expecting our second little jelly bean.
In honesty, I remember very little about finding out I was pregnant. I think we told our parents. There was some slight excitement but the dark cloud of fear still lingered over us.
I think we had one early scan, everything was fine. We had a little heartbeat. There was lots of positive words coming from the midwifes and nurses at the EGU, reassuring us that this time it would be different.
But you know, when you know, it isn’t. I couldn’t shake of the feeling that this pregnancy would also end in miscarriage.
I just knew. And then when it did happen, I blamed myself again for feeling like I had brought it on myself because I didn’t feel positive enough.
Again we were devastated. Then came the realisation that we would have to go through this again in order to find out why us. Why me. Why was this happening to me? Why was my body not capable of staying pregnant?
When I lost my much wanted pregnancies, our much loved babies, our little nuggets of love, I would repeatedly ask myself this. Why me? Why us?
I would say it in my head, out loud, to a quiet house while home alone and in heated arguments in frustration to my husband.
I searched for information on the internet. I wanted to find a reason. I needed to know why this had happened to me. I needed to know if I did something wrong.
Did I make this happen?
Did I eat/drink something that I wasn’t supossed to?
Maybe I didn’t eat enough fresh vegtables or fruit?
Or maybe I didnt drink enough water?
Was I too stressed at work? Did this happen because of that?
I went over every tiny detail in my head over the last weeks and months.
Did anything happen to me, that could have made me miscarry my baby?
Was it my genetic make up?
Was there something wrong with my body, did it just not work the way it was suppossed to?
Maybe it was because I had missed some folic acid tablets and prenatal vitamins?
Did I pass on something to my baby that made him or her unwell?
Or did my body not make a baby the way it intended too? maybe something was wrong with the development or growth, did my baby have an abnormality? and maybe that was my fault too, my genetics, my genes.
Could it be my age? At 33 years old, was I too old?
Maybe I am just not healthy enough.
I recall being deeply frustrated to find out that miscarriage is so common and most people will never know why.
I was angry too. I was angry that I was a woman, my body had a womb and I could get pregnant but my stupid body couldn’t stay pregnant. I felt a failure. I felt like my body had failed to do its job. I felt I was not women enough.
I know, I am not alone in these thoughts. Sadly.
Baby 2. Who ever you are. Who ever you would have been. We think of you still and love you.